Vulvodynia and Sexuality

When I first started experiencing the symptoms of Vulvodynia I felt defeated, scared, alone, angry and forever independent. Often in my blog I make it look so easy, so funny but it’s more complicated than that.

A year after the symptoms started, I was finally diagnosed and however scary the diagnosis- it was better than not knowing and I could figure out what to do next.

For those first 3 years I was terrified to interact with people, give off any attraction or even consider intimacy possible. I was enraged and violated when people hit on me or overcome with pain and resentment when friends shared their latest conquest.

I have made many choices to deal with the physical and emotional pain that comes with Vulvodynia and I decided a few years ago to write down my feelings about sexuality and chronic pelvic pain (however, I believe there is more to them than Vulvodynia)

My Sexuality is:

• Fleeting
• Disconnected
• Lost
• Guarded
• Untapped
• Confusing
• Overwhelming

My Sexuality is not:

• Constant
• All consuming
• Attractive
• Desirable

I would like my sexuality to be:

• Part of me
• Something I am proud of
• More than a politic
• Desirable
• Comfortable
• All consuming/ something I can get caught up in
• Not painful
• Connected to me and someone else
• Liberating
• Something that does not seem fearful and dirty at times
• Something that doesn’t get in the way

 

As hard as the battle is on certain days, if someone asked me today how Vulvodynia affects my sexuality- I would say, “It made me face it, it made me acknowledge it and honestly, I feel like I have more connection with it than I did before vulvodynia. It threw it in my face and made me deal”.

I am grateful for this outlook and understanding of how life and sex can still exist with Vulvodynia and I was lucky after the first few years to have a relationship where I was supported and understood. It made me realize- it’s not gone just different and sometimes I almost think better. 

To anyone else out there with Vulvodynia reading- some days are better than others, but it’s gonna be o.k.